Top 10 rubbish adverts you only see at Christmas - parts 9 and 10

So, here we are at the grand finale of my rubbish Christmas advert countdown. It's been quite a ride.

Without further ado - I bring you number nine. The Nicole Kidman Chanel No.5 advert (directed by Baz Lurhman). I seem to recall that the original was like seven minutes long or something. But the longest version I can find on YouTube is 3 mins. To be honest, that's quite long enough. I love Chanel No.5 perfume . . . I never wear anything else (darling!) but Nicole Kidman's breathless "I'm a dancer - I love to dance!" makes me want to take every bottle I can get my hand on and smash it through the TV screen. And that dress. Please. Still, I just played it to my daughter and she said she thought it was a sad story and wanted to know if the man and lady ever see each other again. So maybe I'm too cynical. Anyway - here it is.

And so, on to the top of the pops. This ad has about a million diferent versions these days - it's hard to pick the definitive one. But, for every Christmas that I can remember being aware of the phenomenom of "only see them at Christmas" adverts, there has been an advert for this product. And this year's little count down has brought home to me how this field of very specific advertising has been decimated in recent years by the high budget big punchers like M&S and Chanel. So, in honour of the more niche, lower budget Christmas advert I give you: the Famous Grouse.

A merry Christmas to one and all!

Top 10 rubbish adverts you only see at Christmas - parts 7 and 8

Ok, next in the festive nonsense advert countdown is the short but sweet promo for Kate Moss's latest perfume: Velvet Hour. I actually quite like this ad - firstly because of the irritatingly familiar song in the background . . . but who the devil is it? And secondly because it gives you a good, lingering close up of Ms Moss which allows you to really analyse the nose that was reportedly falling to bits earlier this year. It looks in pretty good shape to me . . . so has she had surgery? She's certainly been a bit less present than she had been . . . but then again, I've given up reading women's mags, so maybe she's in them every week and I've just not been paying attention. In which case, would she realy have got away with having her nose rebuilt without anyone noticing? There's nothing like a good bit of meaningless celebrity life pondering whilst watching your Christmas ads, I say.



Moving swiftly on, another celeb ad. This one may have been on before, but I only say it for the first time the other day. And I have to say - it makes you realise how even the coolest of cool celebs can lose it in an instant. I mean, Ewan McGregor was, like, SO COOL in Trainspotting. He was like the most hip man in the universe. He was in the coolest film ever. Playing one of the coolest characters ever. And he was really really good looking. And Scottish. Just cool. If I'd have bumped into him in a bar or a club or something in 1996 (!!!) when that movie was released I'd have dined out on it for WEEKS. And now . . . this . . . Age is cruel sometimes.

Top 10 rubbish adverts you only see at Christmas - parts 4, 5 and 6

I've been trying to hunt down this year's Disaronno ad on YouTube, which I quite like because a) the bar man featured is a cutie and b) it is the CLASSIC "only see it at Christmas" advert. I mean, who on earth actually buys that stuff? Apart from mid-range Italian restaurants who use it to soften the blow of the significantly-too-expensive bill by serving you up a free thimble-full of the stuff at the same time as handing you the bill. Anyway, apparently, in "Disaronno World" - which looks a bit like a really cool bar in Manhattan - EVERYONE drinks it all the time. And then simulates felatio with an ice cube.



Next up is the Co-Op's latest festive offering. My research shows that there have been several different "executions" of this advert in the run up to Christmas - "Six weeks to Christmas", "Two weeks to Christmas" etc. This had completely passed me by. I've also discovered that they've used a soundtrack by someone called Gabriella Cilmi, who sounds supsiciously like Amy Winehouse, but presumably is all cutesy and squeeky clean and therefore safe for advertising use, unlike dear Amy who would of course be viewed by marketers as "branding death". You can just see it now: there was the lovely, innocent, never-harmed-a-hair-on-anyones-head brand, quietly minding its own business when along came evil Winehouse a-smoking and a-drinking and a-snorting and a-mainlining and a-singing on the brand's advert and next thing you know that poor little brand had gone and lost its reputation. Like a Victorian lady or a southern belle.

Anyway, I digress. The reason I've chosen this Co-Op ad is because it pupports to show the goings on a school nativity play. But look a little closer, dear viewer. This nativity play is, apparently, happening at the National Theatre. At night time. With costumes and scenery provided by the RSC. This is no primary school nativity in the real world. Where's the strip lighting? Where's the stressed looking teacher standing in front of the stage with a clipboard shouting the lines at the startled children dressed in tea towels and nighties? Where are the orange and green plastic chairs for the parents to sit on. No, no, no, this will NOT do.



All of these complex, over-styled and twee offerings leave me longing for a more straightforward approach. In the 70s, when I were a wee lass, Christmas ads were satisfyingly crass. This one, in particular, stays with me to this day. It's a true Christmas ad classic. Enjoy.

Top 10 rubbish adverts you only see at Christmas - parts 2 and 3

So, a predictable one here: M&S. Regular readers will know I really liked the one a couple of years ago where the M&S ladies ponced around in an ice palace somewhere whilst Dame Shirley of Bassey sang on. (This was mainly because I'd developed an obsession with the red dress that featured in that ad - and which a lovely person purchased for me as a pressie that year. I hang my head in shame as a commiter of Crimes Against Fabulous Dresses to admit that I have never actually worn this dress.)

This year's I am resisting the offering from Marksies. The main reason being that it features Take That. And Take That cause me mental stress. They upset me. Because, when they were famous the first time around I regarded them with nothing but contempt. They were a fabricated boy band. I was into proper music. But this time around, they seem kind of sweet and endearing. I can't help regarding them with a kind of grandmotherly affection. Even though they're the same age as me . . . What's that all about? It really does do my head in.

My other reason for not liking this year's ad is because I've started to feel really sorry for the underwear model lady who ALWAYS has to run around in her pants and bra whilst everyone else gets to snuggle up in lovely cashmere cardigans and bobbly hats and things. It's a shame for her. She should get to put some of the nice dresses on sometimes too.



The third on my list is this year's Baileys' ad. I've heard some say that they think that it's great. I'm not so sure. I reckon previous offering from Baileys have been better. Interested to hear your views, dear reader.

Top 10 rubbish adverts you only see at Christmas - part 1

So, I've definitely been watching WAY too much telly whilst I've been on my sick bed (day 6 today - it's getting pretty tedious).

To relieve my boredom I've created a special TV award - see the title of this post for more details.

Today's nomination is for Gucci by Gucci - an advert for a perfume by Gucci, imaginatively called "Gucci". Clearly, it's all about the brand baby.

Anyway, in the grand tradition of idiotically pointless Christmas perfume ads, this one has various astoundingly beautiful women dressed in fabulous silk dresses (the kind that if you actually wore in the real world would get you arrested because you'd be pretty much exposing your breasts every thirty second . . . there ain't no cut-away in the real world . . .) dancing around like demented morons to Heart of Glass by Blondie. (A great song, sadly demeaned by this nonsense.) Half way through they all start looking like they've just snorted what they thought was a huge line of cocaine but instead has turned out to be Ajax kitchen scouring powder. You kind of expect blood to start pouring from their noses and ears at any second. Apparently, this is because they've just smelt the amazing perfume that is "Gucci" (by Gucci).

Here's the advert:

But here's the best bit - a quick search on YouTube reveals it's been directed by David Lynch! Genius! I hope to god he's taking the piss . . . but judging by this "behind the scenes" clip, I'm not sure that he is. Love the bit where he's directing the women on how to act once they've smelled the amazing smell. He looks like he had a huge line of the Ajax himself before getting on set . . .